Lost

Blogging. These are the homework assignments I always seem to save for last because I just really do not enjoy them. They make me uncomfortable and I never really know how to articulate what I want to say and how to find the right words for all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. Today’s blog feels especially frustrating since I am at a loss for finding a topic that I am genuinely passionate about. Just a few minutes ago, I read Jess’s blog titled Torn about not being sure if teaching is what she wants to do with her life, and that is exactly how I feel. Every day in class everyone seems so excited to learn about education, reading, and writing and I just feel lost. I thought for sure that the only thing I wanted to be was a teacher and now I’m feeling like I made a huge mistake. I don’t have a passion for English at all, I just became an English major because there is no education major at CSU so I figured why not teach English? Which looking back on it was a stupid idea since I really do not enjoy writing and feel extremely out of my element in all my classes. And now, I’m not feeling confident in the education aspect either. I thought I loved being an education major after doing the teaching program with the middle school students at Preston and loving it so much. I thought there was nothing else I would possibly want to be. But after the short time I have had in my classes this semester, I’m beginning to realize that teaching is not for me. I am incredibly shy and reserved, and the thought of having to command the attention of a classroom day after day is starting to seem overwhelming to me. I get nervous just doing an oral introduction in front of my classmates, how could I possibly stand at the front of a classroom giving lectures all day? I want so badly for this to be my calling. I want to teach, to write, to enjoy blogging, and feel confident in what I have to offer as an author and an educator. But right now, I’m just not sure and that is starting to scare me. Like Jess, I too keep thinking “maybe this is the day I will know”, but so far that day has not come. And for now, I am just left waiting.

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One thought on “Lost

  1. emmalouisefaithsteward says:

    Heather,

    It is good to hear that someone else knows the feeling. I thought teaching English was a no-brainer…but the more and more I take classes here I really feel out of place. And just thinking about student teaching makes me feel sick. But at the same time, switching majors not would be obsolete at this point and, what else would I switch to?

    But maybe a lot of future educators feel this way. The security of being a teacher might come with the territory. Maybe this is just how undergrad goes for future teachers.

    …or this could just be the calm before the storm. I don’t know.

    I guess I just wanted you to know that more than a few people are feeling what you’re feeling; which I hope might gives you some hope.

    -Emma

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