It’s probably safe to assume that we’ve all had that one teacher that changes our lives in such a way that their name follows us for the rest of our lives. They were always the cool teacher, the one can relate to, the one that make learning topics such as formal logic sound as exciting Chicago will be the day the cubs win the World Series (which is never going to happen because the Cubs will never be as good as the Cardinals). On the other side, we’ve all also had that one teacher that makes us ask “who the hell gave this idiot a teaching degree?” Earlier today I was watching the episode of South Park when the boys move up to the 4th grade expecting it to be a great school year until they realize that they have Mrs. C————- as a teacher. Needless to say she became ever one’s least favorite teacher ever; they even spend the rest of the episode trying to build a time machine so they can go back to the third grade. It got me thinking, who the worst teacher that I’ve ever had. The answer came to me almost immediately. Mrs. Roper, a psychotic lady well past her years of retirement (my history teacher that year actually had her for health when he was at high school) who defiantly did not belong in a classroom full of sixteen year olds. Had she taught some other subject things would have been very different in her classroom, but she was a health teacher and with someone like that teaching a topic like sexual education to a room full of immature high school boys, awkward hilarity is bound to ensue.
Now I want you to go back to High School and remember when you had to go through sexual education. It’s an incredibly awkward topic for not only the students but the teacher as well; therefore, it’s even more important for teachers teaching this controversial topic to be able to relate to the students to make the learning environment as comfortable as possible. Now take your sex ed teacher, add thirty years or so and a bunch of incredibly inappropriate comments and you have Mrs. Roper. She was so far from being able to relate to her student that we probably would have learned more from South Park’s Mr. Garrison.
You’re probably thinking to yourself “damn, it can’t get much worse than sex ed with seventy year old women.” Trust me it gets worse. At my high school everyone knew Mrs. Roper by a simple rumor that was so ridiculous that you had to hear her say it on the first day of class. Never the less my worst fear was realized: “Welcome to health class sophomores. I want to begin by clearing the air about the rumors about me. Yes they are true, I do wear red the next day if I had sex the night before, it promotes good vibes in me the next day. I encourage you all to do the same.” She wore red a lot, it was disgusting. Here’s a small list of the other things she did and said.
- “Who plans on having sex tonight? I know I do!”
- Spent entire class periods describing the concept of tossing a salad
- Go into graphic details about her sex life
- Graphically demonstrate her favorite positions with Barbie dolls (the principle actually walked in and saw this once, he took the dolls away from her)
- Pause birth videos at the worst times
- Always manage to ruin your appetite (one kid actually puked in her class)
- Make random boy girl couples feel uncomfortable by saying examples such as “Say (student) and (student) had sex…”
- Completely neglect to talk about the concept of abstinence
- Talk like a rapper and yes she used all the inappropriate language
- Let people play full length documentaries on drug addiction for what is supposed to be a 10 minute power point presentation
- Freak out at every small noise thinking it’s a cell phone
- The list goes on
Needless to say there was some fun in having her as a teacher. Mrs. Roper was completely oblivious to everything, and the usual pranks on the teacher that begin mid-way through the semester had begun by the second class. We threw a football across the classroom when she wasn’t looking, made millions of immature sexual innuendos to her involving the color red, rearranged the classroom when she wasn’t looking, hid her chair, played “shine the laser pointer on the teachers forehead,” the list goes on. One kid would even made a beeping noise that she constantly mistook for the bell releasing us from class or semis backing up outside on the street (her classroom was not even remotly close to the parking lot) depending on the day. Even though she knew it was happening, Roper was so clueless that she wouldn’t even recognize the evidence if it ran into her classroom naked covered in bacon grease (she had some really weird fetishes). My friends and I got blamed for everything, even though most of the time we were not even involved in the joke. Towards the end of the semester she made a rude phone call to all of our parents to tell them how she was going to fail us and that we were all going to spend the rest of our lives flipping burgers. We all passed her class and are all now attending college. That being said, future teachers, know when to retire, find some way to relate to your students, and please, for your students’ sake, don’t be a Mrs. Roper.