Just finished the paper due tomorrow. Not sure how it turned out, but we’ll see I guess. I’m not feeling too confident about it.
That said, I wanted to point out I’m not feeling too confident about my overall career choice, either. I mean, don’t get me wrong I WANT to be a teacher, but I feel like I chose it for all the wrong reasons. And now I’m over halfway through my time here at CSU wondering if I should have done something else–something I am TRULY passionate about–instead of something I could do just because it ensured me a job after college. Besides the fact that my English classes are killing my love of reading and writing, I have a few fears about what awaits me after I graduate:
1. The classroom itself. Having students look up to me like a role model and living in a fishbowl. Having parents coming to me and blaming me for their child’s struggles. I’m not sure if I can handle that, in all honesty. I get stage-fright and I tend to automatically take things personally.
2. I’m afraid I’ll get bored of teaching and be a teacher burnout. I can see myself doing great for the first few years of my career and then cringe thinking about doing it for 20 more years. In fact, I cringe thinking about it now.
3. My temper. Alright, my temper isn’t horrible, but it can sure fire up quickly if somebody gives me attitude. So if some 17-year-old kid walks into my classroom full of attitude and won’t listen to anything I say…I just know myself, and I know that I’ll lose control of my cool, and my word choice.
4. That being said, I have a major potty mouth. I’ve really tried to filter out the f-bombs, but cussing is natural to me. I grew up with it, and as soon as high school hit and EVERYBODY was cussing, it’s like it became part of my personal dictionary. Shit is probably my weak point–that is a word I use to emphasize pretty much anything. “I just love to do this shit!” or “I’m all proud of my best friend and shit” or “People just shouldn’t say shit like that.” I know for a FACT that I’m going to slip out some cuss words in the classroom, and teachers aren’t supposed to. The students aren’t allowed to cuss, so how can I possibly be a good role model in that?
5. With being a good role model, I’m afraid that I won’t be. I’m a procrastinator, I have so much attitude on some shit (see?), my morals are slightly different than most peoples’, I’m opinionated, I’m emotional, I have tattoos and wear leather jackets and listen to heavy metal music… Will I have to change so much of myself just to fit into my job? I don’t want to do that, but will I have to? I’m sure in most professional jobs people have to develop two kinds of identities–the formal one and the informal one. I’m just afraid that my identities might become so drastically different I’m fooling myself into thinking I’m convincing anyone I’m cut out for this.
6. After writing all this down, and having this debate raging in my head for the last year, I’ve been trying to brainstorm what I WOULD do if I wasn’t a teacher. I have some amazing skills outside of English that I absolutely love. I can draw and paint–actually, I’m a really, really good drawer and painter and always have been. I’m a creative writer–my ultimate goal in life is NOT to be a teacher, or to be married, or to own a Ferrari, but to be a published author.
Is it wise to settle on a career in your undergrad just because of the job outlook? Sure, I could study Art or Creative Writing, but will I have a job after college? Um, no. Most likely I’m guaranteed NOT to have a job and will be a barista at Starbucks paying off student loans. When I was applying for colleges back in high school, I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do, but I settled on English because I was good at it. And then my parents thought I could be a teacher so I could get a job. Tada. That was my process of deciding…so not very in-depth. I never looked back, either, because I didn’t want to be the wishy-washy freshman. Now I’m the wishy-washy junior.
Sorry for the personal rant. I’m applying for my education license (due in approximately 12 days and I’m freaking out because I’m nowhere near done) and it’s got me thinking about it all. I’m really starting to despise my indecisive brain–I’m giving myself headaches.
See you all tomorrow! -Natalie