Flatulence in the Classroom

I was going to write a blog about the most embarrassing thing that happened in one of my classes, but decided that instead of throwing someone under the bus, I would educate you all on…. Flatulence in the Classroom!

Last year, I read an article in the Huffington Post about boys in Ohio who were suspended for farting on a school bus:

“An Ohio seventh-grader was suspended last week for doing arguably the most predictable thing a 13-year-old boy could do for a laugh on the school bus. He cut the cheese. Canal Winchester Middle School students Anthony Nichols and another boy lost their bus privileges on Friday for their stinky stunt, which prompted the customary rousing laughter and “lowering of windows. Administrators ruled that the flatulence was in violation of the school’s code of conduct, but if you ask Nichols’ parents, the decision reeks of poor judgement.  “It’s very laughable, that’s what it is,” said Anthony’s father, James Nichols. He said he spoke with the school’s vice principal, Daniel Senu-Oke, who “suggested my son should hold his gas on this hour-long bus ride.”

This isn’t the most amazing article or anything, but it did make think of what will I do if someone cuts the cheese really loud in my classroom. Do I try to cover up my laughter (because I would probably be laughing a lot) or do I try to act like a responsible adult? The latter is clearly the obvious choice… but I’m not prepared for this situation yet. I think that one of the required classes for our teaching licensure should be on how to deal with all the awkward things we may encounter when teaching. In any case, I would like to share with you 6 tips on how to flatulate in the classroom, discretely… and maybe one day you can share this with your classroom, to avoid any future embarrassing moments.

  1. Try to get up and go to the pencil sharpener, and while you are sharpening your pencil loudly, try to fart as silently as you can. As soon as you flatulate, be sure to walk away fast because you don’t want the fumes to get stuck to your clothes. But also make sure that the smell doesn’t follow you.
  2. Always get a seat with a “puffy” soft surface. Not like a wood chair but like your couch. Being in seats like that will reduce a lot the risk of a sounding fart. If you can’t get a seat like that, sit on your sweater or jacket.
  3. Put your weight on one of your buttocks and lean in the same direction as your buttock (ex. put your weight on your right buttock and lean to the right). This separates your buttocks and makes your fart silent. You could also drop your pencil on the floor and reach for it so you don’t look weird leaning to the left or right in your chair. CAUTION: The smell will go to the opposite direction you are leaning in, so aim your gasses to an empty area.
  4. Ask to use the restroom. The teacher may say yes, and then you can do it in the bathroom!
  5. Drop a textbook or another heavy object to generate a loud noise. Release your fart precisely as the object makes contact with the floor, as this will effectively cancel out the noise. (Warning: Be sure to time your release exactly right. If you fart too soon, the noise will still be heard. If you fart after the book is dropped, the book will draw attention to you and your fart will be noticed by more people.
  6. Purchase a noise cancellation device, and arrange it in a comfortable position between the crack on your bottom and the seat of your trousers. Make sure that it has a noise sensor, that is activated by the occurrence of a sound. It should be able to effectively cover up any noise released from your fart. (Note: does not necessarily account for the odor, so be cautious. In addition, practice several times at home before using it at school, in case something goes wrong).

(Tips from wikihow.com)

 

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